It is the memory of you that makes me sad.
Makes me want to not think too hard so I can control the tears from sliding down my cheeks
I can maybe not feel this soft pounding in my upper chest, near my throat, there is a vibrant thumping, then I stare… … then I’m stuck in different years, fond memories of you as father, I as daughter, oldest of your three…
…how your jokes would come heavy or slow I ran to catch them…and laugh;
from the deepest part of my stomach it would jog up through my larynx causing me to rumble-with laughter- that’s what I miss…
your genuine encouragement when it seems no one understood me you did.
Even when you didn’t you really did…understand me…because to understand is to show love despite the action of the person, no judgement.
You did that…talking to God…cycling phases…I’m moving swiftly…since you’ve been gone…its been 33 days….
On this day
I’m just waiting for the shock to go away so I can wail for you daddy.
That’s all I want.
Is to wail. To have my back rubbed. To get it out. To grieve. Mourn. Cry. Without…without.
Without. Your voice.
I’m tryin not to be selfish and seriously get through…
Yet the timing… permission…
I must give myself…time to process your passing
Its very surreal…I’m leaning not.
Seeking. Grounded. Stable. Kept.
I’m leaning into your best bear hugs and smelling your cologne. And I’m touching your scar on your left arm that is huge. I’ll never forget what it looks like…I’ll never forget your lessons. I will never forget your stories.
That you powerfully shared with me.
I’m going crazy yet handling business.
Being about the Blood.
Which covers me and flows.
I’m ok daddy. I truly am.
You told me I was a strong woman.
And I am.
I’m just…your little babygirl too…that’s searching her brain for an answer to How could I have helped you?
So it’s just gonna take a little time is all…
I’ll just move one day at a time on this one…